Wrong
by Griever11
Summary: Castle deals with some interesting information regarding the state of Beckett's love life. Completed 19 June 2011.
1. Chapter 1

Nothing is mine. Seriously.

**Wrong**

00000

This felt strangely wrong.

She was having a nice dinner, at a nice restaurant with an equally nice man, and yet Beckett couldn't help feeling like she was doing something very _wrong_. She'd barely touched her meal and it was obvious that her head wasn't quite in the game, so much so that Josh had just given up engaging her in polite conversation.

The adrenaline from earlier in the afternoon had started to run its course, and the exuberance of being alive had worn out after the first couple of beers at the precinct. She was now truly exhausted, and the hustle and bustle of the restaurant made her feel as if the walls were starting to close in on her. It also didn't help that the occasional breeze that swept in as the doors to the restaurant opened and shut sent chilling shivers down her spine that brought back too many horrible memories of that damned freezer that she didn't quite want to deal with yet.

"Kate?"

She looked up at the man sitting across from her and offered him a small apologetic smile. After all, it wasn't his fault she as feeling the way she was. Josh was looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face and she felt guilty for barely even acknowledging his presence over the course of the last hour or so.

"I'm sorry, I just… it's been a long day," she said. She pushed her plate of barely touched food away from her and clasped her hands together, subconsciously trying to warm her hands up. Goddamned freezer.

"I heard bits and pieces of what happened today. Do you want to talk about it?" Josh asked.

"Not really."

And once again they lapsed into an awkward silence. It wasn't as though she hadn't tried to talk about it with him, but every time she tried, it seemed that her words weren't enough to describe the ordeal she'd been put through. What was she supposed to say to him? 'I nearly died today and all I could think of was that it was so tragically beautiful that it was Castle that I was standing next to as I exploded to a million pieces'. Yeah, she didn't think that would go down very well with Josh.

"Do you want to just go home, Kate?"

She never felt more relieved to hear his suggestion. She was so tired, and truth be told she hadn't even wanted to come out for dinner but Josh had made such a fuss about it that she'd relented after a few minutes of gentle coaxing. Now all she wanted to do was to curl up under her blanket with a nice book, read till she fell asleep and hopefully _stay_ asleep for a good 36 hours.

Before she realised it, they were getting out of the cab Josh had hailed down outside the restaurant and then stepping into her apartment building. Josh had his arm around her shoulders and she all but forced herself to ignore the impulse to shrug it off. She knew it wasn't fair to him, but for all intents and purposes, she figured she was allowed to be cranky after nearly dying three times in almost as many days.

They stopped in front of her door and she pulled her keys out of her purse before turning around to face Josh, preparing to tell him it was one of those nights that she needed to spend alone. Her expression must have betrayed her intention because he sighed and reached out to run a hand through his hair.

"You know you can talk to me, right? You don't have to do this alone," he said almost exasperatingly. "I know it was a close call out there today, I don't know how close exactly, but you won't tell me, and no one else seems to want to either, so I don't know what to do here, Kate. I don't know what you want."

Beckett took a deep breath to steady herself. She really didn't want to deal with this right now. "Josh…" she started, but faltered as she noticed he wasn't actually looking at her.

"They said your writer was there. That he pretty much saved your life."

So he did know after all. She was wondering how long it would take for him to bring it up. It wasn't a secret that he wasn't comfortable with Castle's constant presence in her life, so much so that it had been the source of many arguments they had had in the past.

"Yeah, it was … Castle. He took a chance, and … I really can't-" Almost immediately, Beckett felt like she was back in that moment, with barely any time left to live, reliving the panic and terror and the pain of Castle's grip on her hand came rushing back to her. She clenched her eyes shut for a good few seconds, trying to calm down before she dared to open her eyes again.

"I'm fine," she reassured Josh and made a move to unlock her door, only to be stilled by Josh's fingers on her wrist.

"I can't be here for you if you won't let me actually _be_ here, Kate,"

The tone of his voice didn't go unnoticed by the detective. She'd heard it so many times before, just after she managed to force a confession out of a suspect, or when she had to give the victim's families the bad news. His words were laced with what she had come to know as utter defeat.

"Josh."

"I know it's not the best time, or hell, if it's the best thing to do even. But I can't help but feel that lately, this has been more of a chore for you than something … you want. Or look forward to. You have to let me know, Kate. Because if your heart's not in this, in'us', I gotta know. I gotta know if I'm giving Haiti up for something worth fighting for."

And there it was. In that moment, Kate knew their relationship was over. His eyes were pleading with hers to give him the answer he was desperately seeking, but she averted her gaze and squeezed his forearms as she stepped closer to him.

She leaned up for a final kiss, her lips meeting his in a painfully melancholy parting gift and she whispered softly against his mouth.

"You should go to Haiti."

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	2. Chapter 2

"He's at the hospital tonight, I think."

No, she wasn't lying to him.

It was more of an omission of facts. In Beckett's experience interrogating more than her fair share of crafty, slimy, smartass criminals, it wasn't _really _technically lying. So Beckett maintained her composure, turned to her desk and started packing up.

Why she was casually letting Castle think she was still with Josh, she didn't know. A part of her wanted to tell him, but a bigger part of her wanted to keep that particular development of her personal life to herself for a few more days. After all, no one could honestly say they that a conversation about being broken up with was something to look forward to.

"Well then, I predict a night of mischief and mayhem at Casa Castle – whoa, that's has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Casa Castle. No, La Casa del Castle. Yeah? Beckett? Laser tag tonight?"

His excitement was infectious and Beckett couldn't help but allow herself to smile at his childish delight. Unfortunately for him, she was still wallowing in her own little world of self-pity, even if she _had_ been single for nearly a month. Mucking around his house, hiding behind overturned couches and chairs shooting lasers out of plastic guns seemed a bit too much for her to handle.

"Not tonight, Castle," She sighed as she slipped her arms into the sleeves of her coat. She started walking and heard Castle scrambling to keep up with her before he neatly edged into the elevator before the doors slid shut.

"But you're free tonight! It's only seven, we can go get a pizza, prank call Alexis and interrupt her date, get her home-"

"I said no, Castle," She almost regretted the biting tone she had taken with him, but reminded herself that it was the only way Castle would ever let it go. His shoulders sagged as he quietened down. He really was like a little kid sometimes. Beckett took pity on him and snuck a glance at Castle, knowing he would be watching her closely enough to notice.

"Raincheck, okay? Some other time?"

And with that, he regained some of his earlier cheer and nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, and we can ask the boys if they want to come over too. I've got new sets and they come in different colours, you can take the pink one, because Alexis refuses to be stereoty – and you're not listening anymore, are you?"

"Nope."

The elevator doors slid open and she stepped out, leaving Castle to smirk at her back. She lifted her hands and gave him a little wave.

The air outside was cold as she stuck her hand out, hailing down the first cab that drove past. She got into it, ignoring Castle's cries of protests to share the cab and automatically recited her address, slamming the door in the process. She gave Castle one last furtive look from the cab window. The man had his hands in his pockets, his head faced upwards towards the sky and the only thing she could think of at that moment was how adorable he looked. As the cab pulled away, she missed seeing the big black motorcycle pulling up behind them, stopping in the spot the cab had been parked at not two seconds earlier.

00000

Rick Castle was hungry, and he was craving for a pizza. But Alexis was on a date and Beckett was … busy being busy. He sighed and shoved his fists further down his pockets in an attempt warm them up. He contemplated calling for a cab, seeing as how Beckett had so conveniently stolen the only one around but in the end decided to just take a stroll home. The night wasn't too bad, and if – was that Doctor Motorcycle Boy?

The motorcycle slowed down just as the cab Beckett stole from him left and he cocked his head in confusion. Oh, was this a case of tragic miscommunication between the golden couple? Josh got off the bike, pulled his helmet off, and kicked the stand in place, all in one swift motion. Show off.

"Uh, hey – you just missed Beckett. She went home." He called out as Josh walked towards him. Castle's confusion only increased as Josh shook his head.

"I'm not actually here for Kate."

"Right."

"Listen, I would have come a lot sooner but the hospital had a crisis and I didn't have the time," Josh said, and Castle realised that he was actually talking to _him_. Castle. Which, considering the circumstances, was highly suspicious. If Josh was going to drag him into some harebrained scheme to surprise Beckett for her birthday, he was _so _not going to agree to it.

Because he already had his own harebrained birthday surpriseall sorted out.

"… just that I'm leaving for Haiti soon and I don't know, take care of her, okay?"

As Castle's mind had wandered into the realm of surprise birthdays and bunnies jumping out of oversized cakes, he had missed the first half of Josh's sentence. He rewound the conversation in his head.

"Take care of Beckett?"

Josh fixed him with an unnerving glare, and then chuckled. "You really do have the attention span of a goldfish, don't you?"

Castle let out an indignant grunt before focusing back on the conversation. Taking care of Beckett because … oh.

"You guys broke up?" Castle tried to keep his voice neutral.

Josh nodded slowly as he realised Castle was still totally in the dark. It took Castle nearly a full minute before he could come up with an appropriate reply. Half of him wanted to punch the other man and after that run straight back into the precinct where he knew there were a few cops who would be on his side. The other half of him though, the more mature, serious half told him to stay right where he was to finish the conversation. After all, if he was going to hurt the guy he might as well hear everything he had to say first.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

It was the best he could come up with. Damn, Patterson was so taking away his Writer Card once he heard about this.

"Yeah, we weren't on the same page relationship wise. I know you two are close, being partners and all, and I get that. It's actually been a while since we broke up … but Kate's not really … can you just make sure she's okay?"

Honestly, Castle knew that this piece of news shouldn't have come as a total surprise. The last month had been significantly devoid of any 'Josh-related' activities. Everything clicked into place in Castle's mind. 'Quiet' Beckett, 'Moody' Beckett, 'Go away, Castle' Beckett, all started making sense. Although to be fair, the last one was pretty much normal Beckett anyway.

He was slightly annoyed with himself. He was meant to be good at these sort of things, these 'read Beckett like a book things', and he hadn't even realised she'd broken up with her boyfriend of nearly 7 months. Knowing that his partner had been going through this alone and he was clueless about it hurt. A lot.

"Earth to Castle?"

"Uh, okay. Totally. I'll make sure she's fine," he finally said. That's what he was there for, right? They were partners, in life or death, or in the present case, break ups. _Even _if the other half of the partnership totally disregarded that fact and failed to notify him of said break up. Castle looked back up at Josh, only to notice that the other man was already making his way back to his bike.

Josh got onto his bike and kicked the stand, revving the engine twice.

"And, hey … Castle?"

"Huh?"

"She's all yours now."


	3. Chapter 3

Castle wasn't usually the kind of guy who sat and stewed over a particular matter for very long. Most of the time, he did things without thinking first; which, if anyone asked Beckett, was the most annoying thing about her shadow.

Not this time.

Josh's parting words, so carelessly delivered, echoed around in his mind, haunting him. Part of him was slightly ticked off at the insinuation that he had just been granted permission by the guy to make a move on his partner. The other part of him was just plain confused. Oh, he wasn't stupid enough to believe that what Josh had told him had been anything but the truth. Personal feelings aside, he was a good person and the man had seemed sincere enough. In fact, his own observations of his partner over the last few weeks corroborated his story. Beckett was once again unattached.

So the million dollar question was this: why did Beckett seem so insistent on keeping her break up a secret from him?

He would have understood if she'd kept it from him for a few days, hell, a few weeks even, but according to Josh, they'd been over for a while, and that hinted that the relationship had ended _more_ than just a few weeks ago. Before Forbidden Planet, before 'one-writer-girl', before everything had felt so uncomfortably right. He'd felt so guilty on all those occasions, thinking that he'd been inadvertently encroaching on someone else's girl – oh, Beckett would so kill him if she knew he was thinking of her as if she were some kind of property …

His home office was relatively silent save for the soft echoes of classical music playing in the background. The cursor on his computer screen blinked mockingly at him, the document he had opened still shamelessly blank. Inspiration didn't come as easily when one was busy trying to figure out said inspiration.

Castle's mind wandered into dangerous territory then, his imagination going into overdrive as he started thinking of every possible reason Beckett may have had to hide her break up from him. It was inevitable; his mind wasn't used to pondering quietly, instead it thrived on construction. He constructed situations, events, circumstances – and in this particular instance, excuses.

Maybe she had someone else in her life (already? Surely not.).

She felt ashamed of her breakup (but when has Beckett been ashamed of anything?).

She was afraid of what he might do when he found out (hm).

Oh.

Damn.

One of the reasons why his books had sold so well according to some reviewer on the New York Times, was because it seemed like Richard Castle had the ability to delve into a murderer's mind, into the depths of darkness and be one with the characters in his novels. Castle usually chalked it up to the immense amount of research that usually went into the creation of his characters, but after that many years, he had skilfully mastered the art of 'being one' with his characters that sometimes, he just couldn't help it.

So he got into the mind of one Detective Kate Beckett. The theory building began.

Say Beckett tells him about the breakup, and he comforts her the way an understanding friend would. Beckett may suspect that this particular understanding friend had harboured feelings for her for so long that he might have seen that moment of vulnerability as a chance to make his move. Move in on Beckett, take her off the market, whatever. And … and … say Beckett obviously isn't interested in him, because God only knew how many times she'd turned down his not so subtle advances. Again and again and again.

So to avoid such an ugly and awkward confrontation, Beckett decides to be quiet about the break up, allowing him to believe she was still attached and therefore, by extension, off limits. She gets to continue with her life with no complications, no unwanted romantic advances and he would be none the wiser.

Oh, the realisation hurt. Badly.

If it had been a theory he'd hashed up for a murder, Beckett would have scoffed at him and called it 'thin' and full of 'assumptions' and 'conjecture' that had no place in a murder investigation.

But this wasn't a murder investigation, and the possibility that his make believe scenario could very well be the truth sent a dull ache throbbing through his system. He honestly thought they were past the point for secrets and lies. After everything they had been through, Castle thought she would have had a higher opinion of him than that of some callous lovesick playboy.

Maybe the idea of him asking her out was that repulsive.

Maybe she did just think of him as a professional partner.

He clenched his eyes shut as memories of 'always', and 'one-writer-girl' and the wide smile she'd rewarded him with after he gave her the signed Temptation Lane cast photo replayed in his mind's eye. Everything she'd done lately had led him to believe that at the very least, she cared a little about him. Oh, he was so confused.

They'd nearly frozen to death in each other's arms, nearly died again standing in front of a bomb . . .

He remembered that particular evening too vividly, making his way home to the empty loft, his eyes burning with the image of Beckett wrapped up in Doctor Motorcycle Boy's arms as the elevator doors closed in front of him. He'd gotten so blind drunk that night that the next morning when they arrived home, both his mother and Alexis had found him curled up in front of his bookcase in day-old clothes, unshaved with a mess of broken glass scattered all around him.

Later that morning, a little more cleaned up and suffering a mild headache, he clutched a very frightened Alexis to his chest, whispering nonsensical words into her hair and a silent agreement was made never to talk about that incident ever again.

They'd gone through so much within those few days.

Castle sighed and pushed the lid of his laptop down. He knew he wasn't going to get any writing done that night. He could call her, he supposed, talk it out rationally like two adults. But it was late, and frankly he didn't think he was in the right state of mind to do anything rationally.

Then again, maybe he was being a little childish about all of this. After all, Beckett had always made her private life her own business.

Still, he felt a dark cloud looming in the hypothetical horizon of his relationship with Beckett, and if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that Richard Castle was not fond of dark clouds. At all.


	4. Chapter 4

Beckett wasn't stupid. She could sense that her partner had something really big on his mind, and the tension between them had been growing for days. He had been moody and sullen and his lack of pointless chatter gave away the seriousness of whatever it was he had on his mind. The three years she'd spent with him meant that she was pretty good at reading his tells and the sudden change in his usual demeanour was slightly unnerving.

Under normal circumstances, she would have been curious as to what could have set off the sudden change, but recent developments had Beckett thinking that she was just about 90% sure she knew what had her partner so bothered. The remaining 10% kept conjuring up images of Alexis, or Martha, or God forbid, his beloved lightsaber going missing during some point within the last two weeks.

The chain of events that had led up to this point had begun almost two weeks ago, triggered by an unassuming text message from Josh wishing her the best of luck for her future. That in itself would have been fairly standard; they had decided to try and remain friends after all, but Josh had added an apology in his text.

_Spoke to Castle last night, I'm sorry in advance. I didn't know that he didn't know. _

Naturally, she'd been mildly confused, but she thought her questions would be answered soon enough, expecting Castle to bring it up when he saw her the day after. Instead, he'd surprised her and was uncharacteristically silent to the point that even the arrival of one of his geeky gadgets failed to elicit anything more than a small grin from him.

And so the waiting game began and had gone on for two weeks. She'd watched him closely in all that time and Castle had yet to give anything away. Her subtle attempts at digging for information remained an exercise in futility as he rattled off excuses about being swamped with edits for his latest novel as a cause for his mood swings. Beckett knew better, though. She knew Josh was a touchy subject between them. She knew Josh had talked to Castle about their inevitable parting of ways and the fact that Castle barely even acknowledged it was setting off all sorts of alarm bells in her head.

"You okay, Castle? You're being very quiet. Again."

He was sitting hunched over in his designated seat, staring intently at something on his phone. He looked up at her, making a show of pondering her question.

"Yeah. It's really nothing to worry your pretty head over," he answered as glibly as he could. Beckett eyed him suspiciously and noticed that he averted his eyes from hers quickly. Three years, and the man still hadn't learned how to avoid the tell-tale signs of lying. Another point in favour of 'something big is about to go down'.

Beckett sighed in frustration. It wasn't as though she didn't appreciate the new, silent Castle, but if he insisted on being there, the least he could do was to alleviate the boredom that came with finishing up the backlog of paperwork she had accumulated.

She let him be for the next two hours but when he started fidgeting around seven in the evening, she knew she had to do something about it. The other detectives who weren't on duty that night had started filing out, and she knew it was about time they both left too. Castle got up from his chair and stretched, making a show of cracking his knuckles knowing that it was something that irritated her to no end. Some things never changed.

Now or never, Katie.

"Do you really not want to talk about it?" She asked him just as he was about to pick up his coat to put it on. Castled paused as he pushed his arms through his sleeves and sighed.

For a moment, Castle wanted to lie and tell her it was nothing, much like he'd done for the past few days. Seeing her now though, curious and looking at him with something that closely resembled concern, made him feel as if she deserved some sort of answer. Besides, all the brooding and mulling over facts, scenarios and what-ifs had him so coiled up tight that he figured it was about time he confronted her about her break up, at least for his own peace of mind.

"I'm a writer Kate," he began slowly. Yeah, he _was_ a writer; there was no way he was going to go straight to the point. A back story always had to be established first. He saw the twitch of confusion flit across her features, and he held a hand up to stall whatever it was she was about to say.

"I'm a writer and all I do is try to figure things out. How, what, why – it's like a constant stream of questions up here," he tapped the side of his head. He sighed loudly and sat back down in his seat, and taking her cue, Beckett sat down in hers as well.

"So … I've been trying real hard, you know, lately, to figure you out. Well, not _you_ you. Because I know I'm never going to really decipher you. But, why you do the things you do, and how – and every conclusion I've come to, it's not pretty."

"Castle, I don't know what you're talking about," she said carefully. Her gut told her she was approaching dangerous territory. She'd never seen this particular clear shade of blue in his eyes and she noticed a glimmer of something that hinted at a larger issue brewing beneath his calm exterior.

"I heard about your break up … from Josh."

Oh. Beckett blinked at his statement and she let out a sigh of relief. It wasn't Alexis, or Martha – well, she was pretty sure if it had been he would have told her much sooner. But hearing him say it out loud was somewhat comforting. It also meant that her suspicions were confirmed and once again her gut had been right.

"I know," she told him with a small smile. She started to reach out towards the hand he'd left on her desk, but his eyes blazed with muted ire and she pulled back.

It was clear that her response wasn't what he wanted to hear. The way he furrowed his eyebrows and fixed her with the steely stare immediately wiped the smile off her face. She could feel the shift in the mood as his eyes switched from a clear, almost melancholy blue to a dark, raging, stormy darker hue and he stood up so quickly that his chair skittered backwards and fell to the floor.

Oh, angry Castle. This was one side of him she'd never thought she'd ever personally experience.

"You knew?" His voice had taken on a dangerous quality; he was whispering with such vehemence that he might as well have been shouting. "You knew that I knew?"

"Look, Castle, I was just waiting –"

"Waiting for what, Beckett?" This time, his voice rose a few decibels. Kate stood up as well, suddenly feeling the need to slightly even out their height difference.

"I-"

"What, Beckett? Waiting for me to beg you for the sordid details? How did it happen, Beckett? Did you dump him or was it the other way round? Was it painful? Were you happy? Was he happy? What, Beckett? What were you waiting for?" He was getting so loud that Beckett was grateful the precinct was halfway empty.

"Castle, stop yelling," she tried. She moved towards him, but the angry glare he sent her way stopped her in her tracks.

"Am I not good enough of a partner for you to tell me these things? Is that it? Because you know what? I thought we were past that. You can't say things like you're a one writer girl, or take me out to watch movies, or have drinks or have hot dogs – and pretend that you don't know what those things do to me!" He leaned in towards here and grabbed her bowl of M&Ms and hurled it towards the other end of the room.

Kate flinched at the sound of the glass shattering and licked her lips nervously. She'd never seen this side of him before, and it made her nervous. He wasn't done though.

"And now you're telling me you knew that I've been sitting here with this piece of information eating at me from the insides for weeks – and you smile at me as if … as if it means _nothing_ to me? Beckett, I keep thinking about reasons; reasons why you'd keep something like this from me and every conclusion I end up with is that _I'm not good enough_. And that hurts me so much."

"It's never been about you, dammit!" Kate yelled back. "Not everything in the world revolves around you, and your life and your –"

"But you do, Kate! You're every - I can't figure you out Kate," he ran his fingers through his hair and turned away, effectively blocking her view of him.

"You don't have to, Castle. I never asked you -"

Castle whirled around to face her again, and she noticed his balled fists by his side. Fists that had punched the lights out of Lockwood for her, fists that she'd caressed and bandaged and – Oh god, she realised with trepidation, she'd done this to him.

"I thought I was being there for you, your dutiful partner, being your _friend_, when your _boyfriend_ couldn't. I let myself think that it was okay that you were going to go home to curl up in someone else's arms as long as you were happy. I was ready to let you go."

"And it hurt so much, that after everything we've been through, you still chose _him_, and he can't even make time to go watch a movie with you!" He slammed his fists onto her desk, sending papers flying everywhere and Beckett moved forward instinctively to stop him before he did more damage.

"So I just waited patiently for you to see me, to _see_ me, right in front of you because dammit, Beckett I'd wait for the world to end for you, only to find out that – what? He's been out of the picture for ages, and you didn't even have the decency to tell me. Why is that?"

"Castle-"

"See, you want to know what I think? I think you were afraid of what I would have done. Is that it? Afraid that if I knew you were single again, I was going to come and sweep you off your feet, because God knows I haven't made it obvious enough that I absolutely fucking adore you. So was that your way of telling me to back off? Make me believe that you were with him so I wouldn't make a move on you, and you can still be free to string me along to your stupid movies and drinks and hotdogs and –"

"Castle , please-"

"No, Kate, tell me. Tell me what your big plan was. Hope I'd get tired of following you around and just give up and leave you alone? Because honestly Beckett, if you wanted that, if all you wanted was that, you only had to tell me. One word from you, and I'll be gone. You tell me we're over – and I'm out of your life for good, because honestly Kate, I don't think I can keep going like this."

It took a while for Kate to realise Castle had stopped yelling. The words were still reverberating through her head, his passionate outburst ringing in her ears. Her heart was racing so fast, it felt as though it was humming a single monotonous tone, and she felt so out of breath, as if she'd just run a marathon and – where'd he go?

She had closed her eyes for a second in an effort to calm herself down and the second she reopened them, Castle was gone.

"… _I'm out of your life for good, because honestly Kate, I don't think I can keep going like this."_

Crap.

Damn.

_Oh. Crap._


	5. Chapter 5

Beckett took off running after him immediately, leaving her coat, her bag; everything she had on her desk. She wrenched open the doors to the stairwell, not willing to wait for the elevator and she flew down, taking two steps at a time. She burst through the ground floor exit and wished for once in her life, she hadn't worn her high heeled boots because hell, she certainly was paying for that now.

A quick glance around told her she'd either just missed him, or he hadn't left the precinct yet and she allowed herself some time to catch her breath.

She needed to talk to him. Change his mind. Make him come back. Something. _Anything. _

Flashes of a 'could-be' future played in her mind's eye. Getting to work (without Castle), getting her morning dose of caffeine (without Castle), building theory with her boys (but without Castle), teasing her boys (without Castle) – and honest to God, it felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest. She clutched at the top of her shirt, willing the pain to subside for a second while she gathered her thoughts.

Stop panicking, think. Where would he have gone, Beckett?

The answer to that seemed to be 'no where'. From her position slumped against the wall of the entrance of the building, she saw his figure slowly making its way out onto the street. His hand was half raised, ready to hail down a cab.

"Castle!"

She meant for it to be a loud yell, but all she managed was a hoarse whisper, and it was then that she noticed her laboured breathing, her trembling hands and the damp trails down her face from the tears that had managed to escape. She really needed to get a hold of herself.

"Castle!" she tried calling, but once again to no avail. She pushed off from the wall and took off in a running walk in his direction.

He obviously heard her footsteps, turning around as soon as she got close enough to him narrowly.

"I don't want you gone, Castle," was all she managed to get out before she let out a strangled sob. God damn traitorous emotions.

No, she _will_ not cry.

Nevertheless, the unwanted tears streaked down her cheeks and she gritted her teeth in an attempt to stop more from flowing. Castle stood in front her, rooted to the spot encased in his own brand of fury and all Beckett could think of was how she'd hurt this man so badly that he was willing to walk away from their partnership. Just like that.

They stared at each other in a long silence, letting the night wind blow at them before Castle raised his hand and ran it through his hair.

"You didn't say anything. I thought it would have been better if I left. I … I didn't want to break anything else," he said quietly. His eyes were still blazing, fists still clenched and his body so tense and rigid as if he was fighting the urge to walk away from her.

"I don't want you to leave," she repeated shakily. _Me_, she added mentally.

"Then what _do_ you want from me, Kate?"

He was less angry now, almost gentle as if the sight of her tears had broken through his haze of red anger. Beckett couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze, so she opted for the next best thing. She wiped the wetness from her cheeks with the back of her hands and bit her lip.

She took a step forward. "I just … "

She exhaled. Another step forward, and suddenly she was being pressed into his warm body. His arms curled around her, cocooning her in his warm scent and she gasped at the sudden contact.

"I don't want to leave either, Kate. But you're making it so _hard _trying to stay," he whispered harshly into her hair.

She gripped his dress shirt in her fists, pulled and twisted on them as though it would help her get even closer to him. She felt his biceps tighten awkwardly around her, and she buried herself deeper into his heat.

"I don't know what you want from me, Kate." His hands started rubbing circles against her back. "I just need to know what you want."

She pulled back a little, satisfied that she would be able to keep a relatively steady composure. His posture was still stiff and unyielding, but his eyes were now back to their normal colour, gentle, raw with emotions, soft and pleading.

It was as if seeing him like that unlocked some hidden vault within her, and suddenly she wanted him to know – needed him to know everything .The truth flowed from her far too easily for her liking, but steeled her nerves and soldiered on. He deserved nothing less from her.

"I don't know why I didn't tell you, Rick. I just needed … wanted to deal with it myself. I'm sorry," she said calmly.

"I'm so sorry," she reiterated. "I never meant to hurt you."

She felt his hand cup the back of her neck, gently massaging the area before he stepped back.

"But you did."

It was as if he'd delivered a painful blow to her gut. Castle was being merciless tonight. Merciless, or dreadfully honest.

"You were right, Rick."

It was out of her mouth before she could stop it. Beckett swallowed at her confession, simultaneously horrified and relieved at finally being able to admit it, both to him and to herself.

"You're like this unstoppable force in my life, and you keep pushing and pushing. Sometimes I feel like you've pushed me so hard that I'm just _going_ with you, flowing, and moving, and sometimes I really don't like it. It feels like I don't have control and I'm scared that if I – scared that I'll lose everything and I just … need to stop for a second. Take a breath, but I don't want _you_ to stop … I don't want to lose any more that I can spare."

Beckett realised she was rambling now, barely able to filter the words that were tumbling out of her mouth. She knew she was barely making sense, but she was counting on his uncanny knack of _getting_ her, understanding her the way no one else could.

"You keep telling me what you don't want, Kate. I asked you what you wanted. From me," he refused to meet her gaze, instead focusing on some spot behind her. Beckett could see he was struggling to get his words out, adamant on sticking to some script he had in his head so closely. He wasn't going to let his emotions get the better of him, not after that shameful outburst in the precinct.

She fixed her eyes on his features, his face set into a grim frown, noticing the lines in his face, the bags under his eyes and once again the guilt of knowing she had been the one to cause it crashed into her in waves.

Oh, Rick.

"I want …" She faltered, now finding herself unable to put into words what she desperately wanted him to know. She stepped back from him, leaving a good distance between them so that she was no longer swimming in his warmth. She took a deep breath. In. Out. And she just let the words pour out of her heart.

"I just want you to be here for me. Every day, just here. Next to me. I want you to have my back, even when I say I don't need you around. I want to see you in the morning, and share a coffee with you. I want to … I want," she paused, on the verge of saying 'you' and in her heart; she knew she wasn't quite ready for that step yet.

Keep breathing, Katie.

"I don't think I'm ready for anything more than that, but I know I will be some day, Rick. And I _know_ that when that time comes, it's going to be you."

Suddenly, as Beckett finished in a voice barely louder than a whisper, it was as though the dark cloud that had been threatening to swallow Castle whole over the last few weeks had finally broke, and he was now bathing in the soft drizzle of pleasant rain that was Kate Beckett.

Her heart was still racing and thumping ridiculously loudly beneath her chest. Castle blinked wordlessly at her, as though he was still processing what she was saying. And yet, she could feel the calm already settling over them. She watched as he opened his mouth then shut it again, seemingly at a loss for words.

She inched closer to him, now craving his heat again and reached out to smoothen the creases she had caused in his shirt before, running her palms gently over his chest.

"I … I mean it, Rick. I just need a little more time before I start … anything with you. I have no doubts that we'd be amazing together, experience has shown me that," she told him softly and willed him to look at her. "But I need – _you_ need to know that when I'm ready, you will most likely be _it_ for me. And that scares the hell out of me, which is why I need time. But when I'm ready, I hope … I want …"

She tapered off, suddenly feeling self-conscious about asking what she wanted to ask of him. Was she being selfish? Asking him to wait for her while she got over her irrational and ridiculous hang ups; who was she to tell him what to do? Wasn't this part of the reason he had gotten so angry in the first place?

"I'll wait for you, Kate."

It was as if he could read her mind. His voice was low, husky from the yelling he'd done before, but this time it was laced with the warmth and comfort she always associated with him. He was staring at her so intimately, as if he could see right past her soul, and for once in her life, Beckett didn't feel uncomfortable with it.

"You won't have to wait too long," she said, and after a beat, she added a tentative "I hope."

Castle pulled her in for another hug, enveloping her once more in his warm embrace. "As long as you know it's me that you want, Kate, I can wait forever," he whispered against her hair and he placed a soft kiss on her temple.

She found herself smiling into her partner's shirt, inhaling his unique scent, seeking all the comfort she could get from the man that she once swore she'd never, ever fall for. Suddenly, everything that had felt so uncomfortably wrong over the last month or so righted itself, like the jagged pieces of an unfinished puzzle falling into place to form one beautiful, complete picture.

And it really wasn't a secret that Kate Beckett was a complete sucker for finished puzzles.

00000

**End. **

For now.

**A/N:** I'm never one for author's notes because I tend to ramble on and on, but since this is now complete, eh, why not. First and foremost, all mistakes are mine. Every single one, right from the first chapter. Sometimes I write in the dead of the night, so even after a meticulous (I think anyway) combing through the fic, some things get past me. Just let me know if there are some glaring mistakes and I shall rectify them.

I started this piece ages and ages ago, before the remarkable genius that was the finale of the season. I'm not going to lie – I spent ages contemplating what to do with this because the canon has obviously taken the series to a whole new level of awesome and this story just lies … in the middle of it somewhere. So I decided that a little AU won't hurt and that's what I started aiming for.

I think my Kate-voice is winning over my Rick-voice. I tend to favour writing in her perspective, and I'd love to hear what people think of it or if I need to branch out and tackle some other writing style.

I have completed a few chapters for what I plan to upload as a sequel – although to be honest they were just going to be part of this one. But this fic decided to be one big angst fest – and the chapters that I have written are the total opposite (along the lines of the second chapter of this story). So the way I figure, I'll end this here on a nice, post-angst, hopeful note and start planning for a much more lighthearted (and longer) second instalment.

I'm ecstatic at the amount of feedback I've received from readers, among them from some of the writers that I personally hold in very high regard, so I would love to thank every single one of you who have reviewed, favourite-ed, alerted and even if you've just read it and moved on.

I hope you all have enjoyed the ride so far, and that you'll keep sticking with me for the rest of the journey.

Until tomorrow, folks.


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